The Vault - "The Funding Application"

Noodling around my various folders looking for late night inspiration I discovered this sketch I wrote back in 2005 for a proposed Channel 31 comedy show called "Piss Take". I'm still in therapy over that little saga but here is "The Funding Application" with a pinch of sarcasm, dollop of scepticism and a healthy dash of Python:

A desk is located in the middle of a suburban oval. An officious looking BUREAUCRAT (B) makes sure everything is perfectly aligned. A FILM-MAKER (F) with folder walks towards the desk.

B: Yes, may I help you?

F: Is this the local film funding office?

B: It certainly is!

F: Great, I have an idea for a film!

B: Oh, you want the carpark down the road then.

F: Excuse me?

B: If you turn left at the roundabout then take the second right, drive a mile or so, take another right, it’s the little layoff at the end of the cul-de-sac past the gravel road near the largest pothole.

F: Aren’t you the local funding body?

B: Yes, how may I help you?

F: I have a film proposal!

B: Sorry, we don’t fund proposals.

The film-maker opens his folder.

F: I have a script!

B: No, don’t fund them either.

F: Treatments, storyboards, three page synopsis …

B: Sorry?

F: It’s a gripping story about the human spirit triumphing against all odds in a world full of greed and self-interest. A sweeping science fiction romance set in the near future that has pulsating action and intense drama with a powerful statement about the human condition.

B: Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear but we only fund films here.

F: If you’d just read the script.

B: Why on earth would I want to do that?

F: What?

B: Look, I’m sure it’s very good, just not for us I’m afraid.

F: You haven’t even looked at it yet?

B: Oh, you have here with you? Excellent!

The bureaucrat pulls a projector out from under the desk, starts to set it up.

F: What are you doing?

B: Still waiting for the DVD player I’m afraid. I’m told next financial year, fingers crossed.

F: I haven’t made it yet.

B: Sorry, can’t help you then.

F: But that’s the whole point!

B: I don’t follow.

F: You give me money to make my film.

B: Don’t be absurd. That’s positively the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.

F: It’s all right here, on paper.

B: We don’t fund words … we fund films, moving pictures, the cinema, celluloid, the occasional digital image … if times are tough. This is merely … literature.

F: I want to talk to your supervisor.

B: Very well then.

The bureaucrat puts on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.

B: Yes Sir, how can I be of assistance?

F: Yes, I’d like to … hang on a minute, what are you doing? Oh, this is stupid!

B: If you can’t be civil, I shall have to ask you to leave.

F: This is absurd, I have this perfectly decent idea for a film and all I want is to submit a funding application.

B: As my subordinate no doubt told you Sir, we are not in the business of funding words.

F: Ah, you’re not fooling me - you are one and the same, identical, indeed the very selfsame person.

B: Some people have commented on a certain resemblance, that’s true.

F: Resemblance – all you did was put on a pair of glasses and a posh voice.

B: There’s no need to criticise how some people talk Sir.

F: I don’t want to make any trouble, just read the bloody script, okay?

B: I can’t.

F: What do you mean you can’t?

B: It’s against the rules.

F: What rules?

B: Oh, alright, I can’t read. Are you happy now?

F: You’re in charge of funding and you can’t read?

B: Never seemed necessary really. I’ve got a damn good eye though – do you have any sweeping vistas, any glowing outback scenery? Every Australian movie needs a good outback sunset or two … maybe over a sheep station?

F: I don’t believe this. Is there a manager I can talk to?

B: One moment please.

The film-maker turns his back in disgust, scans the oval. The bureaucrat puts on a hat and a fake moustache.

B: Is this the trouble maker Thompson?

F: (turning around) Yes, look, there’s been some sort of misunderstanding …

B: I’ll say. I’ve reviewed your material and you’ve completely misread the guidelines. There’s not a single outback sunset, no gratuitous shots of the Sydney Opera House or any other famous landmarks for that matter … and worst of all there’s this nonsense about exploring the human condition and hints of what might actually be a storyline. We do not fund this sort of shoddy work.

F: But surely it deserves a chance.

B: Have you seen any Australian movies recently?

F: (chastened) Can you give me any tips to improve it?

B: Set it on a sheep station, make all the main characters gay or retarded and have them sit around all day moaning about relationship issues in thick ocker slang – throw in a bit of stereotypical Aussie humour and I guarantee you’ll get a two, maybe three day run at the local RSL hall.

F: Oh, that’s wonderful, more than I could have dreamed of.

B: Here’s a Visa application form – max out all your credit cards to make it and you’ll be on your way to an AFI Award in no time.

F: Oh thank you Sir, thank you so much!

The film-maker shakes the bureaucrat’s hand enthusiastically before trekking across the oval to his car.

Of course, I wouldn't dream of writing a sketch like that NOW, would I? *wink*

The Vault - "Hotel Blue", Part 2

At the end of Part 1 we had a 50 minute, interactive "pilot" where each story strand was about 13 minutes long with elements of the supernatural, hallucination and self-delusion. Our hero, on the surface, was a security guard in a 5-star hotel but there was a hell of a lot more going on as the pilot hinted at.

The producer, Tony Eades, then went to Sydney, MIPTV and London where there was interest but no development money as a firm commitment to the concept. Tony was pushing the interactive elements but in 2003 this was still ahead of its time, particularly the way we had structured it.

So Hotel Blue ended up in a drawer. Michael Bond went to Los Angeles, Tony established his printing business and I drifted onto other scripts.

Until an unexpected opportunity arose to revitalise the project. As I recounted in The Red Bride development notes, there was a "script dating" night in 2005 between local writers and producers. My final meeting of the evening was with Sue Taylor from Taylor Media. Sue was in the middle of producing Last Train to Freo, was tired and opened with a volley about how she was over having to beg, borrow, (not quite) steal for a low budget feature!

Okay, so I wasn't going to pitch my low budget feature and you don't pitch shorts to someone like Sue. Impulsively, I pitched Hotel Blue ... and Sue was interested. Interested enough for Tony and I to have at least one meeting and possibly two (my memory is hazy about the details back then).

Out of this I suggested to Tony that we re-engage Michael in LA which was to prove a fateful decision. Why? Because the Americans loved the concept (minus the interactive element)! By this stage Michael had a manager and was doing the hard yards to establish himself in the movie capital of the world. He also had a connection with another ex-pat Australian screenwriter, Michael Petroni who had his own high-powered manager.

To cut to the chase, Michael asked us if it was alright to approach Petroni as our chances of getting a series up in the US would be increased by his involvement. We said yes, but as we did so I also pretty much knew we'd lost control of the project. Phone conferences were held and we workshopped what the series would be about, keeping the key element of the duality of the main character and the world he was in/had created. There is even an outline for a 'proper' pilot that I had written.

During this, a decision was made (that I was never comfortable with) to not advise or include the other three writers of the (Central TAFE) "pilot". This was most problematic for me as I was friends with the other three and most likely to have ongoing interactions. Having to stonewall or lie was not something I appreciated. But it was agreed that Tony, Michael and myself were the key creatives even though there was no formal agreement (not through lack of trying).

Michael always returns to Perth for Christmas and at the start of 2006 things had progressed to the extent that his manager was pushing for an agreement that authorised Michael to act on behalf of the three of us "in the room". The intent was for Michael and Petroni to pitch to (at one stage) HBO and Showtime.

An agreement was finally drafted and signed at Perth Airport as Michael was literally departing for LA. I won't go into the terms of that agreement but suffice to say I probably wouldn't sign it today. It gives Tony and I some coverage but the upshot is that Michael and Petroni have been developing the concept and Tony and I have had no further creative input.

My frustration has been further exacerbated by, from my perception, a general lack of information on progress. I know they were taking meetings and at one stage James Mangold (Walk the Line) was being talked about as director of any pilot with John Cusack in the lead. But nothing came of this with Michael only saying that they were sticking to the original concept and resisting attempts to 'develop' it into something else.

Michael and Petroni are now writing a series for the SyFy channel with Brian Singer as executive producer which will give them much more leverage with the Hotel Blue concept. It's fair to say my relationship with Michael has been strained by all this but I can only hope he does the right thing by Tony and myself if the show ever gets up.

He is an excellent writer and I admire his gumption to up stumps and go to LA ... but a more inclusive approach was certainly warranted. A hard lesson about the nature of the industry.

I don't know what Hotel Blue looks like now (and doubt that would be its title anymore) but, in its original form, it is an archetypal story type for me where reality and fantasy collide. Something that I will reprise in my next project, Trench ...

The Vault - "Hotel Blue", Part 1

A glorious experiment ahead of its time in 2002 that may find new life in the next decade in more traditional form. The original idea from producer Tony Eades: an interactive television drama where the audience could choose how the story progressed.

My involvement - a writing friend had recommended me as someone who "could write fast". To this day I don't know what that meant but meet Tony I did. His pitch - an interactive story about a security guard in a five star hotel ... adventures ensue.

I suggested other writers and Michael Bond was already on board as director. The first task - to demonstrate that an interactive drama could work. Remember, this is 7 years ago and right before shows like Fat Cow Motel (ABC) and TwentyfourSeven (SBS) also dabbled with interactive elements.

But Tony envisaged something far more complicated than audience voting at the end of each episode for next week's storyline. He wanted voting within the episode!

The other writers who came on board were Anna Bennetts, Hellie Turner and Gerry Lyng taking the creative team to six. It was decided to shoot a "pilot" with a simple premise that could generate multiple story strands. Sounds easy but was incredibly complicated when voting choices happened at two separate points. Given this, the brief was for each writer to develop scenes where: it's the security guard's first day, money has been stolen from the hotel safe, he kisses "the girl".

I still remember the afternoon we read out our scenes. I went last and totally bamboozled everyone with a scene where our hero appears at one stage in pyjamas, finds syringes and other strange goings-on as is my want.

Then I uttered the fateful explanation - "because he's not really a security guard in a five star hotel, he's a drug addict in a rehab centre who thinks he's a security guard in a five star hotel". Michael did his best Marty Feldman impersonation and immediately tapped into the Lynchian possibilities. Not everyone else was as enthused though Anna liked the notion and I can't recall Tony's immediate reaction.

But to me it added depth and layers to what could have been merely an interactive version of Las Vegas. It posed a few problems - the writing of the pilot ended up being quite contentious as eventually Tony decided that only Michael and I would complete the shooting draft after some resistance to the direction the project was evolving. The second was around copyright issues given that it was the execution of two distinct ideas that contributed to a greater whole. Both those matters could have been better handled but at the time production deadlines loomed and some of the niceties were lost.

Ultimately a 50 minute pilot was shot using professional actors and Central TAFE students as crew. There is much to like about the results though it's not a true pilot, more a hybrid of what the show could be.

Hotel Blue was accepted into the inaugural X-Media Lab in Sydney, 2003 though, from memory, only Tony attended as ScreenWest did not offer funding support for this initiative ... until the next year!

But this is only the beginning of the Hotel Blue journey and befitting its identity, unexpected twists and turns lie ahead ...

To be continued

The Vault - "Circus! Circus!"

Around the time of my first produced short script - Slice - circa 2000-2001, the director of that film, Glen Eaves, showed me a short script he had written called Circus! Circus! It told the story of a midget in a freak show, Little Boy, who dreams of being a ringmaster and is in love with Beth, a bearded lady who yearns to sing opera. Pretty much your standard Australian short film really! He intended it to be an experimental piece and from memory the short was about 9 pages - around 9-10 minutes screen time.

The then Australian Film Commission (now Screen Australia) had a director driven initiative in place for short features ie movies 45-55 minutes in length. The theory was that the jump from a short film (10-20 minutes) to a full blown feature was too great and that directors should hone their narrative storytelling skills with this 'intermediary' beastie.

[Another script of mine, The Tangled Web, started life as a 50 minute script as well. It was soon discovered there was no market for them - far too long for film festivals, too hard to programme for television, too short for a theatrical release without being coupled with another short film].

So Glen asked me if I could take his 9 page script and turn it into a short feature. Which I did. There is a perfectly serviceable first draft that tells the story of a failing freak show under the rule of a ruthless ringmaster named Morbus, where a midget leads the freaks in revolt so that his beloved, a bearded lady, can save the circus from receivership (and the freaks from being sold off for medical experiments) by singing opera.

Sure, it has the inherent problems of all first drafts - the biggest being whose story is it? In Glen's short, Little Boy is the presumptive hero but it is Beth who undergoes the biggest transformation from shy, repressed, dreamer to performer and ultimate saviour [my money is on Beth].

Then there were the thematic concerns. Glen saw it as an allegory for the decline of capitalism with Little Boy literally representing the working class, Morbus the corrupt 'landowner' and the circus itself the rotting hulk of capitalism.

For me it was all about daring to chase your dreams, about an unlikely love free of physical prejudice, of finding beauty in the most unlikely places. Sound familiar? Yes, while Glen and my thematic concerns could actually sit side by side, the release of Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge! (which I loved ... once we got past the Sound of Music opening) pretty much ended what would have been an expensive, experimental 50 minute film no one could schedule. This was confirmed by the later premier of HBO's Carnivale (also a favourite) in 2003 which depicted a freak show with stunning visual detail.

But you know what - damned if it's still not one of the favourite pieces of writing of mine. I tried to get it off Glen a little while back (he owns the copyright), to do what with it I know not, but there's just something that still tickles my fancy about this most unlikely of love stories ... with a little socio-political revolution thrown in for good measure, of course!